Lost pup – English phrase meaning one who feels lost and directionless. Lost pup also means me, at this point. Since coming home my purpose in life accumulated can be liken to that of a delectable bag of potato chips. It is there to entice you to eat, and once eaten it is forgotten of how tempting it was.
OK… lets try this in English.
Before I came home, my family was counting the days and minutes to my return. (The temptation of potato chips). So now I am home. And the bag of chips has been devoured. And the novelty is gone. Likewise no one is excited of me being home and I am now part of the furniture. So the excitement of my return is no longer remembered and in fact has been flushed down the toilet – following the natural digestive course the bag of chips endured.
In short, I am no longer special.
But truthfully, it is difficult for me to sit idly after a long time of working – be it in the secular world or religious one. I had a purpose to wake up every morning and objectives and purposes to focus on and meet. I had a schedule to keep and things to accomplish.
OK… lets try this in English.
Before I came home, my family was counting the days and minutes to my return. (The temptation of potato chips). So now I am home. And the bag of chips has been devoured. And the novelty is gone. Likewise no one is excited of me being home and I am now part of the furniture. So the excitement of my return is no longer remembered and in fact has been flushed down the toilet – following the natural digestive course the bag of chips endured.
In short, I am no longer special.
But truthfully, it is difficult for me to sit idly after a long time of working – be it in the secular world or religious one. I had a purpose to wake up every morning and objectives and purposes to focus on and meet. I had a schedule to keep and things to accomplish.
Now, my days are filled with nothing but TV, eating and sleeping. Only a few things have spurred me on, like doing my report, planning my parents’ anniversary and cleaning my room. All but the anniversary wasn’t as enticing as what I was doing before… and I miss my life in UK.
It is odd that the world has moved on and I feel a little 'lost in transition.' I know my life has moved on but somehow it doesn't seem that way. Friends are getting married, promoted and I feel like I haven't moved from where I was before. Though I know the experience of the one year is priceless, I suddenly find myself caught to compare and find a value on it. Which of course is impossible. I must confess, it does seem daunting that friends are now doctors and driving cars and earning massive salaries coupled with fancy smancy designations. I know I shouldn't covet and compare. *SIGH*
This is I suppose where the words 'to be in the world but not of the world' comes into play. I know in terms of spiritual development I have grown, but as many people have told me, it is now time to get my feet securely on the ground. I have to admit, I do feel a bit disheartened as success here is still measured by the salary you earn and the car you drive or the places you go on holidays. What happened to job satisfaction?
So, yes... I do feel a little out of sorts... maybe because i don't have much of a direction. I do hope that when I join the rat race (which will be soon) I will once again find my purpose to wake up everyday, but I worry that the exhilaration of my coming life as a member of the rat race will not be at par to that I have experienced in the past one year. The feeling of self worth, self love and purpose in life I experienced in that one year is hard to describe and it is something that one can appreciate only when encounters it themselves.
This is I suppose where the words 'to be in the world but not of the world' comes into play. I know in terms of spiritual development I have grown, but as many people have told me, it is now time to get my feet securely on the ground. I have to admit, I do feel a bit disheartened as success here is still measured by the salary you earn and the car you drive or the places you go on holidays. What happened to job satisfaction?
So, yes... I do feel a little out of sorts... maybe because i don't have much of a direction. I do hope that when I join the rat race (which will be soon) I will once again find my purpose to wake up everyday, but I worry that the exhilaration of my coming life as a member of the rat race will not be at par to that I have experienced in the past one year. The feeling of self worth, self love and purpose in life I experienced in that one year is hard to describe and it is something that one can appreciate only when encounters it themselves.
2 comments:
Th rat-race is not the sense of direction you want or need babe... I know because we've had that talk :) But I empathise with the need to be doing something, a wish you might soon regret actually :-D But seriously, the best piece of advice I ever got was to stop yearning for the next step, to say no to this need to focus my life on achievement. Achievement is good but there's something else that has made my life much more meaningful (assuming that's what you're looking for) - and I am NOT talking about a man :-p
hey babe. i know this post was like aeons ago but just thought I'd drop a comment that it's only natural to feel that way...am feeling it a bit too here.
even though i'm now here, living the life that i've only dreamed of and being able to visit places i saw in postcards...i sometimes (make that more often) think how much i miss my life back home too - the comforts of having a car, a house, a good job etc etc...i also fear that oh no, after 2 years when i go back, will i still be able to work at the same level or will i have to start all over again coz let's face it, being a sales assistant isn't very valuable in the eyes of M'sian employers. :(
But God reminds me of how ungrateful I am that I'm not appreciating His providence for this part in my life. I can just imagine Him saying, 'Such an ungrateful little brat!'
Anyway, I've realised that what's important is to enjoy every minute of the journey and continue to seek Him first on my life. I always tell ppl to cross the bridge when they come to it so I guess it's time for me to listen to my own advice eh?
Missing you guys loads!
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