I attended 2 weddings since I came home. One was a close friend of mine when I was in high school. And the other, a friend of the family who so happened was getting married to one of my juniors in school.
For any of you who were at the weddings, I do appreciate if you do not judge too quickly but hopefully to try and understand my feelings and thoughts.
Whilst at the weddings, I had an opportunity to observe the people around me – old friends chatting and wonder in amazement at the changes all of us have encountered since leaving the school books behind. And a sad truth dawned on me – I don’t have many friends. Friends who know me well and who I am totally comfortable to shed all walls.
As I think back about my life, I am very much aware of all the facades I had and maybe still have. I use plural because I admit to have different personalities when faced with different groups of people. But that has resulted to me not having many friends I am at ease with and have no fear bearing all. In fact I am still trying to think of someone who I can be that with.
Admittedly, we are different when faced with different circumstances and different people in our lives because we evolve to accommodate the change. I am not saying it is wrong.
But I think what frightens me is the different hats I wear contradict each other and therefore I find it hard to reconcile all my varied self and my different groups of friends. Very good example: I was very active in my Christian group in university, yet at the same time, I was a common fixture in a local club, if not every other day, then definitely every week. The perceived thought was those who were active in Christian Fellowship should not be a permanent décor in the club, and those who fervent clubbers don’t take their faith seriously. (Yes… I have since than been able to reconcile both characters, moving along…) And so when I look at the group of people from my ‘Christian group’ self, there was so much about my personal struggle with living a Godly life that they had no idea of. And I find it hard to share with them now because that struggle ultimately caused me to quit my job and spend a year away. I think the reason why it is hard is because I worry about the impressions they will have of me especially knowing it was all a show or most of it was, or was it half? Or a quarter? I don’t know. Is seeking affirmation from my friends really that important?
I previously spoke of a good book I read – Staying Pure in a Sex-Charged World and though the main subject of discussion was Physical Purity, but it also made me think of being clean and honest in my thoughts, my actions and my words. Being open. Being real. The ground breaking moments were when I finally came forward and shared with 2 groups of people about certain things in my past that I struggled to shy away from everyone else and when probed further as to why I was open about it, my answer was simple. I did it, now know that it was a mistake and have learnt from it. Hiding it doesn’t change anything and definitely doesn’t mean I never messed up.
So… the truth does set you free.
OK… I am digressing.
The point I am trying to make is, because I have hidden so much from various people, I now find it hard to be myself with people. I prefer silence, smaller crowd, thought provoking conversations, and not having to spend so much energy explaining why I am the way I am. And, I tend not to want to spend time with old friends because of all I hid from them.
Even now, when I speak in riddles and with certain vagueness, it is because my blog is exposed to different groups of people and I am not comfortable to bear all to everyone.
I am sorry, but that is the truth.
I find it annoying because I have to vet and censor what I write.
Once again, I am sorry, but that is the truth.
So what now? Where do I go from here?
*sigh… this was not the tone I had in mind for this entry when I set out to write it! BAH HUMBUG!*
Well in honesty, nothing else has been clouding my mind since I returned. Aside from the fact that I miss my life in UK and I would trade anything to go back. I miss the food, the people, the travelling, the job satisfaction, the shopping…
There is one more thing I have been bugged about. I do regret a little rejecting romance whilst in UK. Well, maybe that isn’t entirely true. I was intrigued and was interested with a few men… BUT… I also made a conscious effort to psych myself to not want to have a relationship. So… I rejected whatever possibilities there could have. Well I do know I rejected one very obstinately because, yes I was psyching myself but also he really wasn’t my type in so many ways. The other two… I would have loved to give it a go. But alas, one can’t clap with one hand. So, here I am… single… unattached… and openly declaring that though I revel in my singlehood and freedom, like all warm blooded female, wish I was not a lonely number.
However, as they all say, all in God’s plan.
So… this should make up for my long absence right?
^__^
For any of you who were at the weddings, I do appreciate if you do not judge too quickly but hopefully to try and understand my feelings and thoughts.
Whilst at the weddings, I had an opportunity to observe the people around me – old friends chatting and wonder in amazement at the changes all of us have encountered since leaving the school books behind. And a sad truth dawned on me – I don’t have many friends. Friends who know me well and who I am totally comfortable to shed all walls.
As I think back about my life, I am very much aware of all the facades I had and maybe still have. I use plural because I admit to have different personalities when faced with different groups of people. But that has resulted to me not having many friends I am at ease with and have no fear bearing all. In fact I am still trying to think of someone who I can be that with.
Admittedly, we are different when faced with different circumstances and different people in our lives because we evolve to accommodate the change. I am not saying it is wrong.
But I think what frightens me is the different hats I wear contradict each other and therefore I find it hard to reconcile all my varied self and my different groups of friends. Very good example: I was very active in my Christian group in university, yet at the same time, I was a common fixture in a local club, if not every other day, then definitely every week. The perceived thought was those who were active in Christian Fellowship should not be a permanent décor in the club, and those who fervent clubbers don’t take their faith seriously. (Yes… I have since than been able to reconcile both characters, moving along…) And so when I look at the group of people from my ‘Christian group’ self, there was so much about my personal struggle with living a Godly life that they had no idea of. And I find it hard to share with them now because that struggle ultimately caused me to quit my job and spend a year away. I think the reason why it is hard is because I worry about the impressions they will have of me especially knowing it was all a show or most of it was, or was it half? Or a quarter? I don’t know. Is seeking affirmation from my friends really that important?
I previously spoke of a good book I read – Staying Pure in a Sex-Charged World and though the main subject of discussion was Physical Purity, but it also made me think of being clean and honest in my thoughts, my actions and my words. Being open. Being real. The ground breaking moments were when I finally came forward and shared with 2 groups of people about certain things in my past that I struggled to shy away from everyone else and when probed further as to why I was open about it, my answer was simple. I did it, now know that it was a mistake and have learnt from it. Hiding it doesn’t change anything and definitely doesn’t mean I never messed up.
So… the truth does set you free.
OK… I am digressing.
The point I am trying to make is, because I have hidden so much from various people, I now find it hard to be myself with people. I prefer silence, smaller crowd, thought provoking conversations, and not having to spend so much energy explaining why I am the way I am. And, I tend not to want to spend time with old friends because of all I hid from them.
Even now, when I speak in riddles and with certain vagueness, it is because my blog is exposed to different groups of people and I am not comfortable to bear all to everyone.
I am sorry, but that is the truth.
I find it annoying because I have to vet and censor what I write.
Once again, I am sorry, but that is the truth.
So what now? Where do I go from here?
*sigh… this was not the tone I had in mind for this entry when I set out to write it! BAH HUMBUG!*
Well in honesty, nothing else has been clouding my mind since I returned. Aside from the fact that I miss my life in UK and I would trade anything to go back. I miss the food, the people, the travelling, the job satisfaction, the shopping…
There is one more thing I have been bugged about. I do regret a little rejecting romance whilst in UK. Well, maybe that isn’t entirely true. I was intrigued and was interested with a few men… BUT… I also made a conscious effort to psych myself to not want to have a relationship. So… I rejected whatever possibilities there could have. Well I do know I rejected one very obstinately because, yes I was psyching myself but also he really wasn’t my type in so many ways. The other two… I would have loved to give it a go. But alas, one can’t clap with one hand. So, here I am… single… unattached… and openly declaring that though I revel in my singlehood and freedom, like all warm blooded female, wish I was not a lonely number.
However, as they all say, all in God’s plan.
So… this should make up for my long absence right?
^__^
5 comments:
I think I could somehow identify with you. I think I have a lot of friends, but no one really knows me. Even if I have shared things with lotsa people in the past, they might have just known me for which that I have shared. I suppose it is my decision for not sharing, not becasue I don't want to be vulnerable to the world, but at times just think that no one in this world is the same, and some have proven to me that however hard I tried, they just don't get it. But I have also concluded that only sentimental ppl like you and I have these kinda problem.. ppl who are happy go lucky will not get so dam upset with not getting ppl understanding them... OBVIOUSLY... but anyway, it is a phase that all homo sapien will go through, only diff is frequency and impact. That's why we are here to identify and share.. Suppose you may not agree with all that I say, I don't ask you to, but you will have to make a decision to find someone as unique as you are, or just laugh about the differences we all have, and choose to just share with a handful, at diff time... or give me a better option if yu have... Until then, the lonely but surrounded by the world punya SW.
I do agree with you. 2 peas in a pod? But you know, too much sentimental feelings can only drive us bonkers. So maybe it is good to not give a damn about the world every now and then.
The odd thing is, most of the time when we went, ppl think we want them to solve our problems. Sometimes that is really not what we want. We just want someone non bias to listen and even if you don't agree... at least be supportive and understanding. Even that is hard sometimes. Esp men. Men are natural problem solvers. Women are the emotional support type. However having said that, sometimes talking to men may help because they may offer advice that women can't. So it is an odd mix of yin and yang that God has created us with.
Well one thing is for sure... at least you got me and I got you. And now that you are living so much closer ah aunty, when we meeting up!?
^__^
I thought of deleting the comments, as I felt that it is inappropriate to post t 5 hundred words in OTHER people's blog.... but to my surprise you have already seen it and responded...
Heck... I am always like this, regret of doing things.. learn to let go I will..
Till then, thank for your advise and take good care my dear...
Errr... have you told any of them taht you are back??? I can't contain any more la...
hehehe
And.. so tht you know, I have put your blog as link from mine, let me know if you have concern, ie if it is copy-righted la, or for selected people's view only la or whatever...
Date me? Anytime la... just give me notice in advance.. have been blardy busy these days... stress de neh!
Post a Comment