Wow… I haven’t blogged in a while. I guess the few ppl who are following my blog which all can be counted in one finger must be wondering what’s been happening.
Well for one, by the end of this week, my ticket out of my comfort zone would have been booked. I still can’t believe I am going to quit my job and spend a year doing church work. Apart of me tells me this was what I was preparing for all these years being active in youth and getting deeper into my faith.
But the other side is telling me I am not ready. I am far from being worth it to be doing this. Who am I to help someone grow in their faith when I am equally struggling?
For example, I was at one of those social event thingy. I met a guy, I think he is cute. I think he is charming. And I see the women lusting after some of these men – esp when some of them displayed their skills while being auctioned. And I could hear the women swooning. And somewhere in the midst of all this, I somehow could identify the people who never think twice about being in a physical relationship.
OK, I had my fair share… and I am not trying to be a religious vigilante but it is so hard to not want to get mixed up with all that all over again.
And though I always wonder what is stopping me from being in a relationship, I think the truth is, till the day I have learnt not to get my hormones and emotions get out of hand, I should remain single. I guess you can say I am trying to discipline myself. But isn’t the best form of discipline is to allow yourself to be tempted and to learn to withstand it rather then hiding from it?
But what if I crack?
I won’t deny… I have been approached on many accounts to get back into the game… but the cost is too high. And since the last disaster, I am not ready to play in such a high stake game. It is one thing to get your heart broken, but it is another to wake up, bang your head against the wall and spend the next 6 months trying not to remember the “fateful” night.
And how does God, religion and abstinence fit into this whole picture?
Don’t get my wrong; I strongly believe that the very act of making love is a sacred way of loving someone. But hormones are such a useless thing! I remember when I went into form 6, I had to sit through a 1 hour lecture on how young girls should behave when in the presence of boys – I was in a co-ed school and the teachers thought we all lived in a single sex world till form 6 came along.
Anyway, the funniest thing she said was when you kiss someone never let his tongue touch yours. Chemicals will mix and it will cause you to lose control over the situation. And the act of his touching your chest will cause an adrenaline rush that will cause your hormones to heighten and it will be hard to turn back.
Just thinking about it makes me thing of physics all over again. Cause and effect.
If only the lecture had taken place since the dawn of time. Then things like karmasutra wouldn’t have been birthed!
But the truth is, sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on myself. Am I the only one that is struggling here or there are others? And if there are others, how do they deal with it? Lets be real, I am sure I am not the only one. And I am sure, many are wondering how others do it as well. So I am just echoing their thoughts louder.
I see my other Christian friends who are in relationships and I ask myself, how or when do they draw the line?
A Christian guy who was trying his luck with me said that there is no such thing as abstinence in this day and age and I should get with the times. On the other hand, a friend of mine and her boyfriend are attending a camp on abstinence. I think that is really nice. A healthy relationship. But I wonder, how do they draw the line? Is it respect? Fear of God or they have occasionally almost crossed and common sense took over?
And it was as if God was trying to speak to me, I saw 2 programmes over the weekend. The first one – a comedy.
It was about a woman with 3 kids – 2 girls and 1 boy. She is a divorcee and currently seeing someone. The kids were going away from the weekend and before leaving, the eldest daughter was giving her mom advice – always have condoms in the bag, toothbrush and a change of undergarments for that “sudden” occasion. The mom in the end took the daughter’s advice but you could see she was stressed about the whole thing – like a young virgin going for her first date. In the end, she could not do it with her beau. She wasn’t ready. And he respected her for that.
Second show – a series. 2 couples. I can’t recall the names… so bear with me ok.
The Girly was going to do it with her man but decided against it as it wasn’t the perfect setting. So finally she had a conversation with her gf and gf convinced her to go get birth controls should the setting ever be right. The doc she went to was dating her aunty (confused yet? If no, please read on.) and advised her that sleeping with someone was not just a physical thing but also involved a high amount of emotions. Anyway, Girly did just that. In the end, she didn’t do it cos her man turned out to be such a jerk.
The other couple: Boy and Lady Friend. Why I say that cos Lady Friend is older then Boy. Lady Friend’s roomie was going to be away for the weekend and invited Boy to come spend sometime. Somewhere along the line, Boy thinks that is an invitation to have sex. So there he saunters over and tried to put it out and Lady Friend shot him cold and sent him home. He was under the impression that once you have done it, it becomes something irrelevant to her anymore and doesn’t think too much about it. She says otherwise and shares her first experience.
There was something about what Lady Friend said that made so much sense to me. “It was as if it was happening to me and I was watching it and soon I just couldn’t wait for it to end.” Sounds like what I was feeling. She hated it and so did I.
OK… so back to God and religion. If ever a youth came up to me and asked me about it, what do I possibly say? If my kids come to me and ask me, or if the time is right and I need to speak to them, what am I going to say? Should I tell them to save themselves or should I be honest and encourage protection?
In a way, I thank God that I had the sense to protect myself and give it all up after I turned 21, but then again, like Lady Friend, I was not “there” when it happened… and I have learnt never to go there again…
So what is the conclusion?
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