Struggling Pilgrims

This blog is dedicated to my sister and the many other struggling pilgrims out there.

I woke up on Saturday feeling a strange wave of emotion – this weekend was going to be different. How I knew, well, for a start, I woke up early – unlike my usual weekends to be greeted by a cloud of silence and loneliness. Sis had gone away for the weekend and I was alone.

I didn’t have my usual craving for roti canai. And rather then beach in front of the TV, (brace yourselves) I started spring cleaning my room and attempted to clean the hall. OK… lets go back in time and recall the many times Sis has tried to get me to clean the place and I intelligently avoid the issue. Erm…. Hmmm… ahh… I ran out of toes and fingers to count… well lets just say WAY to many times.

But this time I willingly did it. I also cleaned out the fridge and the kitchen. (I am insane!)

Moving along… I got up on my own for church and spent some time working in her room. Don’t ask me why, I suppose to connect with her.

Bottomline, I missed her. It was my first weekend in a long time without her. Weekends back home without her don’t count. And I missed our usual ventures for food and stuff. I realised when she wasn’t around, I didn’t snack that much… what am I trying to say? Hehehe…

Our relationship as siblings I must admit has taking quite an interesting turn. From wanting to murder each other to being good friends. I actually look forward to seeing her lounge in the house when I return from a long day at work sometimes. And I wait for weekends cos that is when we lounge together and be each other’s devil’s advocate. OK… I more then her lah…

I recall sometime back when we were pigging out at some steamboat joint, she pointed out that at least once a month we go out and do something. Most of the time it is either shopping, eating or watching a movie. I also realised since making the decision to join her church, we have grown much closer. And the morning prayers are good for us. At least the support system is working.

She won’t be back till Monday evening.. so I am all alone to say my morning prayers. And I will be alone to do my prayers when I go off to “discover myself”. Truth is, I worry more about her when I leave. I know I am too protective over her, but sometimes when I think about what I have experienced through time over certain things, I worry for her. I know she was upset when she knew I was going to leave and I knew I was going to miss her dearly, but I also know that seasons are going to change for us. I have said before, my only sadness is I won’t be here for 1 year of her life. But I am sure He will take care of her. In fact, I know He will take care of her.

Something else I learnt this weekend… STRUGGLING. (root word : struggle)

1. To use great efforts; to labor hard; to strive; to contend forcibly.
2. An energetic attempt to achieve something.
3. Be engaged in a fight; carry on a fight

Struggling : unsuccessful but trying hard to succeed

I spent Saturday afternoon with some friends from church and I came in as one of them was sharing. After that, I struggled to share with them some things about myself, but I couldn’t. I somehow could not open my mouth and it came out all wrong about other inconsequential thing. I don’t know why.

While at tea, one of them was mulling if he should take a job and wondered if he did the right thing to quit before securing another first. I told him to have faith and look forward and God will take care of him. I pretended my life was good. That I was unfazed by things in my life and that I have mastered the art of breathing. What a load of crap.

On Sunday I came home after lunch and the rest went to grab drinks. It was only later I found out that they spent some time sharing and in the mid of a pub, they prayed for a fellow friend and tried to edify and support each other in their struggles. They have a beautiful network. And I missed the opportunity to be a part of it. I missed a chance to come clean with my insecurities and imperfections.

I learnt through a personality test that I am an introvert – meaning I am a personal person. I take a lot of time before I really share with someone. Truth is, the ppl I used to share with, I suddenly I don’t share with them anymore. And I keep many things to myself. Why?

I was surer now that my friendship with them is superficial. And I always get an awkward feeling like I don’t fit in or belong in their group. Till the day I bare all to someone, my friendship with that person will be superficial. And I have yet to bear all to them. This means I have not reached the level of being comfortable and able to speak and not fear. That is scary. Because I ask myself if I died tomorrow, who amongst the ppl I know can honestly say they know me?

(Mental note to self: this is about them remember!? Get back on track!)

Sorry for digressing… I do that a lot! …

Moving along in life… One thing that comforted me over the weekend was I wasn’t the only one struggling. I wasn’t the only one who took time before sharing with others. I wasn’t the only one who was feeling a bit claustrophobic. And I wasn’t the only one that is being tested. Though I missed the bonding session, I knew they were strugglers like myself… and it wasn’t in areas on carreer… but most importantly, in our walk and in seeking His approval.

I still somehow feel we made a mistake in ending the prayer and praise, but somehow I didn’t know how to sustain it. And now I wonder why He even allowed me to begin it in the first place. I still feel I let Him down and I feel ashamed sometimes thinking about it – I started something for God and I could not continue on. But the struggles I experienced during those times were amazing – not just in a good way but in a way I can’t explain. God somehow helped me survive and made sure I remembered that it was because of Him I survived.

As much as I wished I was there at the bonding session (so I could at least deepen the friendship), I was even more regretful that I could not share with them my struggles and hope it will somehow edify them. Maybe the day will come. Maybe they can edify me – which I know they can.

What I am trying to say is, I caught a glimpse of how real these ppl actually are. And I caught a glimpse of how great their network is – their love and care for one another is amazing.

When you think of it, God is quite a sly fellow. Hahaha… think about it. He knew from the moment Adam and Eve fell from His grace, we would come to this point in our lives when we would struggle and seek help from those around us for either a listening ear, or support and something. He purposefully allowed our walk to be difficult so that we would learn to abandon all ego and pride and seek assistance. And it is in this moment of humility He chooses to embrace us. He reaches out to us through other fellow Christians – through the network. So all that took place in the pub today was not about friends supporting one another but it was about Him “becoming man” to say that He knows, He understands, He loves, and He will work it out. And each time, someone decides to unload and share with the network, it is us, in humility coming to God saying I need help – please hold me.

Such a beautiful thing is it to be in a relationship with God. (Such a beautiful thing it is to know my sis is part of this network.)

To all the Strugglers out there… Jeremiah 29:11. May we continue to struggle on with confidence and boldness that Our Father who loves us with an uninhibited love (that we so do not deserve) and chooses to lavish it abundantly on us - will carry us through it all.

May God protect the network and watch over them.

Chill & Fill