So it has been a while since I bothered to update my blog. Not that the intention was never there. Just that there were too many things running in my mind and I really didn’t know where to start. And besides, work and other things were piling and by the time I actually found time, I would much rather vegetate than to have to sit down and write. I suppose the times when I spent facebooking or chatting, I could have penned a word or two... but still lah... finding a focal point to start was hard.
So now, I am actually sitting on a bus bound for Ipoh. First of all, I had great expectations of being able to sleep during the journey. Unfortunately the wait and the initial heat before the driver turned on the air con woke all my senses. So now I am wide awake watching the world go by... hence, what better time then now?
Well, since the last posting, I have made several decisions, accepted several home-truths and realities of (my) life and also have a somewhat plan of what I want to do in 5 years time – I think. Subject of course if certain factors remain unchanged.
I also finally shared with a few friends the aching dream I have about the SF – and why it is really pushing me inside. Although SF isn’t really a part of the 5 year plan, I see it materialising beyond the 5 years – something that I want to eventually have in my ‘glory days’. As DC commented when I shared that I would ideally hope to find someone who will accompany my ministry, “maybe God has a different sort of ministerial plan for both of you – something similar but not exactly what you have in mind.”
Profound words? Not really... because at the back of my mind I sorta had that floating as well. But it is a different thing to have someone verbalise it – that is when from floating it becomes something more concrete and something you can no longer deny the truth in it.
But what I can say is profound is the impact the DYC has on me now. Hehehe.. I may not verbalise this to certain ppl, though I have shared this with Robin Senior (no... not my dad – that is Robin Daddy ^__^) that the DYC and focusing on its activities has kept me grounded. I know that almost once in 2 months I will be spending my Saturdays with a handful of ppl who are focused on youth and young adult ministry and has also presented themselves as excellent sounding board for me and my sometimes overworked mind.
Like recently, last night to be exact. For a short while, something has been bugging me. Or more like someone. His presence was unexpected. But his impact is oddly testing and challenging me to finally sit down and calmly think and respond instead of running away, or as I would casually say – saboing myself.
For me to finally arrive to a state of total surrender (well not total... there are still some areas I am struggling with, but I am getting there... give me a bit more time) anyway, where were we... yes surrendering... er... what about it?
Hmm... oh right! Sorry... got distracted by the dangdut song blasting over the radio in the bus.
:-/
For me to finally come to this point is and was not easy... a humbling process I must admit. So many of my once rock solid principles are failing and falling. Andrew’s sermon on 2 Tim is one of them. Seeing U. Chee Koon’s family during his funeral was another. And the shocking realisation of the self-saboing plan I masterfully orchestrated... now this one, was a painful slap to the face.
Nevertheless, as Shell pointed out when I told her (who incidentally was the one that opened my eyes to ‘see’ my self-sabo plan) – it is better for me to figure it out now and move away from it.
So, now with the entry of this new person, I honestly have no idea what will come of this. But at least I know I am not running away but facing it head-on – with His grace and wisdom of course. The good thing is, he is physically far away so this also gives me time to digest, freak out and not get caught up too fast but to enjoy the moment.
I am aware that through the many entries I have mentioned several members of the opposite gender that to a certain degree may paint a picture that I am like a butterfly fleeting from one flower to another. In a way, I think that is what the saboing plan was about – to be drawn to flowers that didn’t have a substantial lifespan and would be easy breezy for me to not bother to make an effort. And the fact that they were unsuitable and not reliable made it even easier to not want to make the effort.
Like I said, I can’t really say much at the moment, except he is challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and not be blinded by my idealism and get my feet on the ground, but the little that I know now, has been somewhat spot on in the minute things I am looking for. And that in itself is exciting and absoblardilutely frightening.
Anyway, moving on, going back to Shell – sessions with her though rare and far in-between has also been a great blessing. Some things / passages we read are not new to me, but because it is a one-on-one session, I am forced to really dissect how it impacts me. Though I shamefully admit that I don’t always come prepared, the discussions no doubt has been a good stepping stone for me to evaluate my walk and certain aspect of my faith. I look forward when I can officially start doing it with Crabby. :-)
My career... well this has been quite a trying issue as well. Some days I wake up and I am totally driven. Some days I want to throw in the towel and focus on ministry. Some days it is ho-hum lah-dee-dah (read : uneventful). Some days I find it annoying that those who are getting paid more than me do not seem to be doing as much as myself. Heck, their executives and the Big Boss seem to be doing what I think / thought they (the ones getting paid more) should be doing.
Nevertheless, call it unscrupulous manipulation if you must, but my aim is to push myself so far ahead and to put myself out there that it becomes increasing obvious that I am not a push-over. This should not be confused as being a back-biting / stabbing bitch. On the contrary, I am merely focusing on my strengths and stretching my capabilities in ways that I know I can excel.
And once I get to where I want to be, well, I can turn around and say I have sincerely earned it and sweat blood for this. And then tell those overpaid ones, to sod off! I still find it amusing how they can turn around and drop comments about mine or other ppls weaknesses when they aint so shiny themselves. But heck it, I should not be too fussed with them. I should focus on my on plate of work – which is overflowing!
In a nutshell, UK has been great for the soul, emotional, mental and spiritual. Since coming back, I have found myself responding differently to my environment. And also certain priorities. Some things do really leave an undeniable imprint on our lives. I was looking back at the old photos I took of my time in UK and my longing to be back with them is so great. I miss every single one of them and would give anything to relive those days with them. I will never be able to put into words how the experience and the ppl I have met have help mould 'the me' today. I only hope I am able to pay it forward.
So there you go... phew... quite a long read lah.. hahaha... sorry if some parts are heavy duty. But it isn’t so serious lah. I have had my farnee moments.
Will write about the fateful weekend one day... that was just nothing short of a comedy of disasters which I must give thanks to God for the great friends I have who were there beside me during that 2 days.
Ok.. the passengers are all asleep except for yours truly. Maybe I should try to get some shut eye before I see the love of my life... What!? I was referring to Robin Daddy, Robin Mummy and Tai Yee! What were you thinking!?
Hehehe......
^__^
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