My responsibility...

Graveyard Blog: A blog that is dead and left to rot by its irresponsible owner who, due to the busy-ness of her schedule, forsakes all worthy principles of blogging for the (luxury?) of 3 hours of sleep a night.
Blogging is not just a social phenomenon for the fun of it.
It requires some level of commitment. The blogger has a relationship that it initiated with the people who visit the site. Like any other relationship, this needs to be nurtured and contributed to on a regular basis.
But what does one do when time is so short?
One blogs an empty, useless piece on responsible blogging and pretends to bemoan the sorry state of blogs in cyberspace!

A friend of mine deemed this important enough to share it with me today. I felt the knife piercing my heart a few times and it's sharp edges grinding into the obscure corners of my heart.

I know it has been a letdown for those who have been so loyal and deligently checking my site to see what is happening. And when I think of all the things I have wanted to share, I lower my head in shame.

But one of the reasons I have been procrastinating in blogging or even writting my newsletter (nope, it is not done and I am SO behind... my dad has called asking about it.. I am so nailed!) anyway... I have been procrastinating because my mind has not been in the right place.

Firstly I am feeling a massive burden on my shoulders lately. I feel there is a certain expectation of me and I worry if I can fulfil. I worry when I leave, would I have made a good enough impresion of the M'sian diocese and of malaysian christian youth. And I worry that once I leave ideas of things I thought of does not work out as well. It is only a year... and after 1 year in PR i realised I knew nothing. There is only 10 more months left and already I am worried. I know this is insane! And maybe I am just stressing out because I have a tight schedule and I haven't been able to concentrate on certain things I wanted to do. I haven't been able to fine tune the idea for passion week for the youth to rehearse next week. I haven't started on my planning for the pre-baptism do next month. I haven't done my research for my sharing during Maundy Thursday. I haven't finished my newsletter. I haven't had time to digest the few mails I have received from the diocese. Where does my time pass? I honestly wonder. These pass few days have been a blur esp with me being ill. And all my weekends have been taken up by activities in church or friends dropping in and me spending time with them. And by the time they leave, I am back to Mondays and the routine of the week. SIGH...

Secondly, the burden for the church. Each time I walk in, all i see are old faces. Today I sat in the communion service. There was only 10 people. Yes, quantity is not the issue. But they are all old enough to be my grandmas and grandpas. What happens when they pass on? Who else is going to sit in the service? I used to think having a seperate Family Service would be good and would attract the young. But now I noticed that like in the case of Holy Trinity and Christ Church, neither does the 9.30 congregation know the 11.15 and vice versa. And worst of all, the young people cannot relate to the 9.30 service. This is what I think is sad. People relate to God through the type of service they are attending. This goes back to my issue - we as Christians have been putting God in a box! And this really irrates me! God is a being that is above all our various forms of service. And who are we to say God is only happy with a particular type of service? To not allow ourselves to experience different ways of worshipping God is to say to God, 'Yes you mean something to me, but not as important as my own personal comfort'. What a load of rubbish! Now imagine if I had wrote that in my newsletter? I know many ppl in my parish would be shocked by that. But it is true. And the biggest culprits are those that have been in a church far too long to appreciate the liturgy or the beauty of the service but instead treat it like a routine and ritual. Christianity is not a ritual. *SIGH*

I see the youths here - the ones in church - they are singing not because they understand or mean what they sing. But they are just words and a way to showcase their ability. OK... maybe I don't blame them. Maybe no one has challenged them to think about their faith. THis is where I am hoping to be able to do so during one of the bible study sessions. God give me wisdom. And they want to start some sort of proper singing group where I teach them how to sing. I don't even know where to start!

Thirdly, I think working in PR for 2.5 years has numb me and made me quite cynical about humanity. You spend so much time putting on a friendly front for your clients and jounalist and it tires you out and makes you doubt emotions from humanity. Hence I was getting a bit tired of the niceties of English people. Here, everyone is so polite... so friendly... so nice... so sweet. It is almost diabetic! And sometimes I wonder if they are truly nice and happy to have me or am I just a thorn. There were times I felt really tired of smilling, like I am always expected to be the sunshine and no matter what, I must like everyone I meet and make it a point to have a conversation. But then there have been the few ppl who I know have gone out of their way to be nice to me and make me feel at home. Dill and pete included. It is sad that life at such can numb us from basic emotional kindness to ppl.

All these things caused me to tear during morning prayers 2 weeks ago. I don't know why. But all of a sudden, I started to tear and it was not the 1 drop 2 drops kind. This was the endless stream of tears that would not stop. And it was quite the embarassing lah esp when there are only 3 people during the morning prayers - myself included and the other 2 are the vicars you are suppose to be working with. VS I must say is the more sympathetic of the 2. I think having 2 girls have made him accustom to the tears and considering his own daughters are older then me, I am not suprise if he is used to the intracasies of the female hormonal changes. While we are on that subject, I need to share something - I know after I have uploaded this, I may regret but this is also something that is a bit bothering but nature has been a bit slow these past few months. She hast turned up for quite a while.

OK... moving along... I didn't know how to explain to them about my tears... I just said it is one of those days when you suddenly get hit. VS offered to send me back but I decided to walk and take the bus. I figured the Me-time might help. I ended up getting off at the town centre and lo and behold, I saw a sign in a Methodist church saying they were open for coffee. Seeing that it snowed quite heavily, I decided to go in. And I felt better. Not because of the coffee but a different feeling. Like an assurance telling me things are not what they seem and they will all work out. Some call that God, some call it the magic of caffiene. I think it is God.

Anyway... with all these things it was hard to blog as I struggled to find the words. But I guess sometimes, it is just so much easier to let my thoughts rip.

Oh... one more thing. I had a conversation with a friend today about heaven and hell. I told him I didn't believe in the existance of a place call heaven/hell like I believe in the existnce of Ipoh, but I believe in the concept of heaven / hell. It was quite a confusing conversation and I had to make sure I didn't lose my way. He had his points which was backed up by scripture. Mine was well... not as sound as his, but it was more of understanding the socio-economics of that time and the terminologies and stuff that makes me question how people came to the conclusion that heaven is up and hell is below and so forth. Long storylah... hard to explain in a paragraph. But what are your thoughts?

So there you have it. Me fulfilling my responsibility to those friends of mine who are so supprtive of my site and what I am doing right now - the unadulterated thoughts of moi these pass few days. Not very chirpy, I am sorry. I think the relization of many things are finally settling into my mind and I am coming to terms with many things in my life.

Someone recently told me I live life viewing it as half full. Which is why I am content right now and though I have my bouts of neuroticness, when the need comes for me to wake up and take action, I am quite cool. And I take each challenge as something positive from God. And because of that, I hardly share with people about the bad things that are happening to me. I speak more about the good things and not the bad. Sure I share my pray needs and my insecurities about doing God's work, but i never tell people about my insurities - i.e. my .......... Hence ppl think I lead a jolly good life, happy go lucky. Other people who are half empty never see the good in their trials but only the bad. People like that are hard to please even by God because they are too busy pointing out all the bad in their lives and not the good. So my friend concluded that this could be a reason why I tend not to write when my thoughts are confused and a mess - for fear of challenging my half full life.

whatever it is, I think it is time for bed... it is pass midnight and I need to be up for morning prayers tomorrow.

Chill & Fill!