Idealistically Obsessive?

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

I feel like a bit lost right now... I am not sure if I am the one stirring the cauldron OR am I being stirred by 'someone else'.

Firstly, I am ill... not sure of what... my nose is clogged up but it is not dripping. Hence I have difficulty breathing. And my tonsil is actually useless so therefore the breathing through my mouth makes my tonsil dry and I cough. The weather is getting chilly and my body is going into hibernation mode again.

Going back to school is OK. I have the few odd rascals... but I only see them 30 minutes a day... which is enough before I take their tiny little heads and smash against the wall. The Asians (Pakistanis and Muslims) are fascinated by me... they have a teacher from Thai, Mrs Yuya and Mr Mahmood who helps the bilingual children - and the children can't decided if I am Yuya's sister or Mahmood's daughter. Not sure if I want to be either.

I also have been having issues trying to get messages across tactfully to someone. I just felt that she was getting a bit out of hand in terms of what / how she was saying things, and in her own unknown to her demanding way, she may upset ppl. I thot I was right... and in some ways, I think what I did was right. But she kinda blew up at me. So I am now left to wonder, am I being over-reacting about things. Jesus said if you think someone is doing something wrong, we should politely point it out and I was trying to alert her of the possibilities that she may offend someone. So... did I do the right thing? I think in her own way she is a nice girl, and we are towards the tail end of our stint, and it would be terrible to have this crop up between us when we have been pally all this while.

You know... I have been thinking a lot about myself - evaluating myself and so on... I think I sometimes bend backward a lot to ensure that I am constantly in the peacemaker role and the one to whom anything and anyone can come to in time of need. No matter how much I can't stand that person. I somehow find ways and means to stomach certain ppl even if it means putting up with their eccentricities in small doses.

I know friends who can easily cut ppl off because they really get on their nerves and though in the same room, hardly a civilized hello is exchanged between them. I don't know if I can do that. I think I live in an idealistic world where I want sunshine and rainbows and squirrels doing the macarena all day long...

No, actually, that would drive me insane. But you get my point.

My cousin says that I am too holy moly and try to be very Christian and take the 'love your neighbor as yourself' a bit too far. To a point of being idealistically obsessive. And truth is, I don't know, because no one has ever told me if I was. And I wish ppl did because I would hate to live in a bubble world.

Something else that has been haunting my mind is someone offered me a job. I think I knew WAYYYYYYYYYYY back of my mind, that the offer would come - only a matter of time. It is one of those gut feelings that you are positively correct but you don't want to say anything for fear ppl may say you are arrogant. And I don't know if I want to job. The pros are great, but I worry if I will get lost in it again like I think I did before.

I keep telling myself, I have taken a step back to evaluate a lot about myself this year and maybe if I take the job, I will now be looking with fresh eyes and new outlook. So maybe things won't be the same as before. But on the contrary, I like the stress for a higher calling and not marketing demands. And to further myself in the 'higher calling' department, I need cash... and this job can give me some... but will I lose my way again? I am now caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

But a few EXTREMELY high notes this week... On Sunday I gave out prayer commitment cards to the church members. They were to think of ppl they cared about and wanted to commit them to prayer. On Sunday I found out that PW put his grandson's name who he has not seen for 3 years because he is estranged from his daughter. When he got back, the grandson was outside his doorstep because his mom kicked him out. And so PW spent the whole day with the boy.

YA put a friend's name... AM - AM suffers from depression and has not been in church for a long time. Yesterday at the adult singing group, AM came and YA was so happy to see her.

I was humbled to think that such a simple prayer exercise could make so much of difference to their lives...

So why can't I adopt their simplicity in my life?

^__^