Waiting patiently…

I will never in my entire life ever say I know what it is like to lose someone. Just like how I hope no one ever tells me that too. I find it very condescending to assume we understand and can identify with everyone's pain.

Losing someone close to us (and I don't mean a break-up) is never easy because we all have different thresholds of emotional tolerance. And therefore, we deal with things differently. Coupled with past experiences with the person we lost, one can never assume to understand.

There is no denying that though right now I may come across as emotionally all there (minus the occasional flare-ups of stress), but when it comes to losing any of my family members, to breakdown and be a complete mess is an understatement. The every fact I hit the roof just finding out that my dad didn't tell me he was ill is all the proof required. I am shite scared of losing my mom, dad and aunt. They have been like the most constant factor in my life and not having them there is I dare say, the hardest lesson in life that I do not want to learn. I can try as much as I want to prepare myself, but I know I will need all the love and support to get back on my feet.

So as much I would like to think I have a high emotional tolerance, any psychologist can tell you that those who are prone to bottling up are usually the ones in the bigger mess than others.

And what is even worse about ppl like that is how volatile they are at that point of grief.

At this point, I honestly don't know how Grumpy is. He isn't in a talking mood, and I don't want to push him. I find myself dropping really stoopid smses to him, hoping it will crack a smile on his face. But the truth is, I also know it may not be doing shite good for him. I wish I knew what to say or do… I currently want so much to tell him to sleep for a few days and when he wakes up there will be food prepared or something. Basically to just let all the past happenings sink in and not be bothered about other nonensical things. Like when Carrie got jilted at the 'altar' by Mr Big in SATC. She slept for days and when she woke up, her friends were there.

But his walls are so high right now (or I feel they are high); I dare not go near in case it gets higher. So the only thing I can do is pray… that God with his infinite grace, boundless love and Almighty mercy would break it down and heal the wound in his heart, help him overcome the regrets and grief and make whole again the void in his life that was left behind by his dad.

Till then, I guess I am going to sit outside the wall and occasionally knock on the door to remind him I am still outside waiting patiently for the time when he is ready to come out... or let me in… whichever he is comfortable with.

This post is dedicated to:

• Mr AJG - may your soul rest in peace in the arms of our Creator,
  
• Grumpy, who lost his dad – may you be comforted knowing your old man has gone home to our Creator and find peace in accepting his departure,
  
• RP – thanks for your experience, wisdom and friendship in helping me be a friend to Grumpy at this time,
  
• To everyone else who have either experienced a similar loss or helped someone cope with a loss – may you have found your peace, and
  
• To those who have been helping me keep both father and son in their prayers – thank you and keep your prayers coming. May this be a perfect opportunity for our Creator to reach out to Grumpy.

* This song is dedicate for you *

Chillin & Fillin….