He heals...

So I suppose any sane person will understand that the Splinter I wrote about is a person I felt deeply for. And I still do... which would explain a lot why I am still hurting and crying about it. Unrequited emotion is such a nasty thing. Funny how I have never writen about him till right now. 

Honestly, I don't remember ever shedding that much of tears over someone before. Not even for my ex boyfriends. And my grandma doesnt count as well. 

Since Friday night I have been tossing and turning in my mind of all the things I said and did to figure out if there was a way I could somehow avoid having to come to this. And this is when I hate myself because I have never been the kind to regret over decisions made and things done. I always believe what is done is done... nothing we say or do can undo the situation but to only move on and accept the consequences. 

And the truth is, I accepted the fact that when I finally do pull the Splinter out, I would be in pain and cry, but never anticipated this much and the immense sense of regret from doing it. 

*sigh*

In the midst of my tears and trying to drown the hurt, today's pasage was like an incredible wave of comfort. The verse is : 

"The hand of the Lord hath wrought this." Job 12:9

The author starts with a story of a King who found a very precious stone in Africa and gave it to an expert lapidary to cut it and blaze it into his crown of state. The man looked at the stone, made a mark and hit it so hard that it broke into two. 

Through the eyes of an ignorant person, one would yell at the lapidary for breaking the precious stone. But what they didn't realise was that he had laboured and studied the stone carefully, and had he not broken the stone into two, the perfect shapeliness, radiance, and splendour of the jewel would not have been revealed. In actual fact,

"that blow which seemed to ruin the superb precious stone was, in fact, its perfect redemption."

The next thing the author wrote forced me to be on my knees before my Maker... 

Sometimes, God lets a stinging blow fall upon your life. The blood spurts. The nerves wince. The soul cries out in agony.

 

The blow seems to you an apalling mistake. But it is not - for you are the most priceless jewel in the world to God. And He is the most skilled lapidary in the universe.

Some day you are to blaze in the diadem of the King. As you lie in His hand now He knows just how to deal with you. Not a blow will be permitted to fall upon your shrinking soul but that the love of God permits it, and works out from its depths, blessing and spiritual enrichment unseen, and unthought of by you.

When I read that, I burst into tears again... because I felt foolish before God.  

I long have accepted, believed and even shared with the Splinter that it was God's grace who have made our paths to cross. And he shared the same feeling. So if I truly believed this, surely God knew about my heartache right? And if He did, then there must be a reason for me to experience this right? 

Maybe it is to stregthen my heart after many years of hiding and blocking myself from any possible relationship or maybe something else all together. I don't know... but I trust that He does and He will make me whole again. Like how He has in the past. So like the little phrase at the bottom of the picture says - He can only heal me if I commit all the pieces to Him, i.e. this entire situation. 

Many people around me may tell me I did the right thing, which despite my feeling of regret, I also think is right. But a few have told me to stay away from him for my sanity's sake. Yet after reading the passage above, I am filled with a strange sense of peace, and am moved to meet Splinter (despite me saying I didn't want to see him for a while) and tell him certain hometruths he needs to know. I feel I would not be a friend if I didn't tell him, regardless of how I feel about him. Weird right? And as much as my friends would think I was psychotic for doing so, sometimes love does make you do stoopid things... and I don't mean the earthly emotional love. I mean the sincere unconditional love from God that surpasses all human understanding and prejudices allows us to dig deep in our hearts and seek beyond our own pain to do what is right. After all, doesn't maturity come when we put our own emotions aside and look at the big picture? 

At some point I will call Splinter and tell him what I think he ought to know... but maybe not right now. As enlightening as this spiritual revelation is, my earthly human heart is still in pain and needs a bit more time to heal. And I have no doubt that it will too... after all... 

He heals the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds (Psalms 147 : 3)