Last night I spoke to a friend who I recently shared my blog with... So apparently my friend has been going through my blog and particularly reading my past entries.
Firstly, there isn't a lot of substance in there... and borderline extremely emo. So someone who does not know me who reads them would probably think I was a shallow nut. I can't blame them cos secondly, during the various times when I have gone back to read them, I am appalled and sometimes embarrassed by what I read and have seriously considered removing them if not, some.
I suppose this would explain a lot as to why my blog was once upon a time the internet's best kept secret - So no one could read how dysfunctional I was behind all the masks.
I actually had people either call me up, or write to me about something I have written in the past asking me if I was writing about them because the story was awfully familiar.
Those are the moments I feel naked and sometimes almost insulted especially when they start asking me why I said such things or wrote that way and so forth. I mean, seriously, those were my personal thoughts at that particular time and to question me sorta makes me feel as if it was wrong for me to even feel or even think that way. Which ultimately makes me feel even more self-conscious about sharing myself.
Anyway, I removed my blog almost immediately when I spoke to my friend last night and did another round of self-censorship to check if I was comfortable with the level of ‘nakedness’ in there.
Anyway… I then spent the whole night thinking about several things (in random order)...
1) Why am I suddenly so open about my blog to the world.
2) Why, when I found out that my dad knew and was reading my blog didn't freak me as much as last night.
3) Do I like who I was.
4) Trying to make sense of my own mind.
5) What do other ppl get about me when they read my blog.
6) Why am I even blogging in the first place.
I will be very frank with myself, my kids and the world... I never liked who I was. There were so many insecurities, masks and deceptions... worst of all, was not so much towards the people around me, but to myself and ultimately, to God. I thought if I could hide things well enough from the world and convince myself of certain things, I could even convince God.
This is where I had a very loud and deserving wake-up call. There were so many unaddressed issues and problems that were left hidden in the closet for so long and going through them took a long time. Sometimes even till today I still find myself going through them as well... things I thought I had overcome sometimes rear their ugly head and suddenly I find myself back in that disastrous state of denial again. However these moments are either becoming more rare or they no longer frighten me to face them like before…
Anyway... the process of becoming real to myself has been a long and difficult journey. When you have spent a good time of your growing up years ‘hiding’, suddenly meeting 'her' and coming to terms with 'her presence' is a humbling one. What is even more humbling is that despite all that, God never gave up on me to one day accepting 'her' and realising that 'she' is a part of me that He had created for a reason.
So do I regret my past? Well, that depends. I have seen what regrets has done or can do to me, which is why I do not encourage myself to inflict such pain again...
But to give myself a bit of credit, it wasn’t all doom and gloom and a dark sinister past… there were those farnee moments where my teenage stoopidity reigned supreme and override what now can only be explained as the initial budding of maturity and common sense.
Put my friend aside and the thoughts that may be lurking in anyone’s mind about the contents of my blog and just looking at who I was then and who I am now... I have no regrets. I believe I am exactly where God wants me to be with the tales to prove it.
If I had not gone through the things I went through (including the stoopid commonsenseless ones), I would not have experienced the things I had to which eventually led me to take one year out of my life and dedicate it to God or feel the way I do now about myself, my life and my faith.
But seriously, when I boarded the plane to UK, I thought I had it all under control... but then... I can still remember the moment when I was jolted back to reality!
Despite all the demons I have faced... there was one that I still hadn’t dealt with and was avoiding. I was reading Staying Pure in a Sex-Charged World at that time. (I don't remember if I ever wrote about this actually) While reading it, I suddenly realised that even though I secretly have come to terms with some of my mistakes when it comes to the opposite species – misplaced emotions, bad judge of character, managing my conduct, etc, And not talking about it or denying them definitely wasn't a sign of recovery.
And so, I made certain decisions that in future, rather than deny or hide the truth, I would be bold about it, embrace the situation and share the truth. I would use my past as a way to demonstrate how God in His great mercy looked past my imperfections, flaws occasional stoopidity to still love me and use me in whatever way He saw fit.
So anyway.. I decided I would be honest to the world and this includes my future significant other. So the first opportunity that came before me, I was truthful about it. I was with 2 dear friends and both of them accepted my sharing with love and without judgement. That gave me courage to be honest about my past.
Do not get me wrong... there are days I wish I can go back and change some things... certain things I knew precisely that I was making a boo boo... and certain things I so desperately wished was not part of my colourful past... but then again, if I change them, would I still be at this point in my life with the lessons in life and faith I now have? And will I have the funny fantastic tales of my stoopidity to share? I have no answer for this, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer may be no.
I have mentioned before that my blogs and my writings are primarily for me and for posterity.
Firstly, I want to always remind myself of who I was before and how I got here... after all, you cannot know where you are going if you don't know where you have been AND you cannot know yourself till you have known God. And if I ever one day forget, this will remind me and 'bring me home.'
Secondly, should I ever have children, I want them to understand that I am without flaws and neither will they be. But God is gracious and as long as we decide to be honest with Him, He will be real to us. And most importantly, as the song Who am I so aptly puts it, there is nothing about me or of me that is so great that would make God want to save me – it is simply His doing and His alone.
But why also to the world? I suppose because I realised as well that striping my layers one by one for the world to see me was also a sign of healing and a way for me to accept the dysfunctional mess I was. And if people choose to judge me or have perceptions of me simply based on my writing without truly understanding the many facets of me that I have yet to share, then I cannot change them. As depressing as it sounds, I have to accept that their judgements and comments are part of the repercussions of my boo boos.
Whatever it is, I am humbled by God's boundless grace and mercy who despite all the boo boos I have made, am making and will make, still finds it important to surround me with people who will love me and be an epitome of His grace and mercy.
I suppose now would be appropriate for me to apologise to whoever who may have been / are / will be offended by what they come across here. I am sincerely apologetic, but it is either blunt and raw honesty or forever be in denial.
Thank you for reading... (I know this is a very LONG post but certainly one that is WAY overdue.)
^__^
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