It should come from the heart...

Today, the most unlikely person stopped me in church and said something to me. I have always had my concerns about Chisom but today he said the most remarkable thing to me... 

He commented about me worship leading today... it said it was encouraging to see someone worship from the heart rather then just stand there and sing. At that point when he told me that, the only thing I wanted to do was cry... 

Preparing for worship was difficult. My mind was not in the right zone.. partially because of the previous posting - so many things muddling in my head. And it bothered me that I missed Bugs and when I was really down and needed a bit of cheering up, he was no where. I cant blame Bugs if he has other commitments and so forth, but I just wished he was there to be my shoulder to cry on... 

Anyway, I got AN to pray for me and to be honest, I went forward empty - empty slate and at God's mercy to take over the worship session. So today was more about me worshipping God then me leading the people. When I looked at them and some of their sleepy faces, I could almost see my heart falling... as long as I kept my eyes closed and focused on God, I felt so light... 

I also spoke to PJ and IK about all that has been muddling and it was encouraging to know I wasnt the only one struggling right now... but one thing was for certain, I somehow of late, I had forgotten to bring God to work with me. I seemed to have left Him at home for some bizarre reason... and I suppose the previous warnings was not because I wasnt focusing at work, but I had let my walk with Him slip. I stopped having dates with Him. 

Even when I was at Bug's camp, something was tugging me already... I sensed it... and should have reacted. But I I didnt... Well actually I did, which was why I had a conversation with the preacher... but even so... I could have done more

Seriously... being in a relationship with Him is so hard... esp when the matters of eternal life is concerned. If I cant get my relationship with Him right, how can I possibly attempt to work at any other relationship in my life? This isn't old news to me... in fact it is an old song... so why I am still messing up? 

It is simple logic... If I truly loved someone or if someone truly meant a lot to me, spending time with that person should come naturally. Making time for that person... making sure that person knows what is going on in my life is important and going out of my way to do things to please that person is important. It should come effortlessly and from the heart. So why have I stoped prioritising God? 

Even now, in the silence of my office on a Sunday afternoon, there is a certain calm I feel yet deariness and I know it is because somewhere along the line, my passion diminished because I forgot who I was doing it for. I forgot that all credit goes to God and therefore all that I do, should be to please Him and for Him... so the validation I was seeking, I would never get from the people I worked with, or my clients, but knowing that each task, no matter how miniscule it was, I dedicated it to God and hopefully He will be pleased. 

In a nutshell, I stopped pleasing Him........ what a disaster!

So... this goes back to God........ as a start of my journey to get back on track...