Isaiah and the thoughts in my head..

I have been thinking of updating for a long time now... I have a number of articles that got truncated either because of work or I had something else that came up..

But right now, I guess I just want to vent... about the last 36 hours.... after so long I suddenly find myself on a rollercoaster and it is like a never-ending spiral down... I suppose I should have seen this long ago... I have been feeling bored for a while and that is never a good sign. Either it is time to move or I am losing my buzz... or maybe I have been distracted? 

It worries me sometimes that my work is driven so much by passion with very little credit. I used to say the only thing that mattered was as long as my company was behind me and I enjoyed being with my colleagues, it was enough. But of late I have been spending so much time working on my own and in the last one year I have had 3, and now 4 juniors and having to keep briefing them and invest faith in them and then taking it back has been exhausting. With each junior that walks in, I find myself less and less approachable. Dont get me wrong, it is nice to have someone to help take off some of the load, but it also seems so hard to have one arm and then to cut it off again. 

As for the projects in itself, yes, I do enjoy some of my clients but sometimes the tardy ones really get to me... esp when it seems that I am tardy. OK... sometimes yes, I do let my annoyance get the better of me and after chasing them for so long, I just stop chasing, and it is usually at that moment I am caught as not doing my job... how annoying is that? 

And even with my interest in business development, I am beginning to wonder if it is my way of making me feel more passionate - you win the project then let someone else watch the baby grow... sometimes it seems almost heartless cos I want to see it develop after all the sweat I put in it, but in a way, I have felt more passion during those moments compared to a long time ago... 

As for other areas in my life, well, the silence today forced to me to hear a lot of thoughts I am not sure I wanted to hear. I tried many times to distract myself and even to call people to chat some gave me time, some too busy. But it's ok. Sometimes it is better when they dont, then I am forced to listen to those thoughts and deal with things I have been sweeping under the carpet because I am have been too busy. But sometimes, I wish they did, then maybe talking can help me see things in perspective.

So, bottom line, I am having doubts if I want to stay in this job. It is bugging me about what I have been thinking about since stepping off the barge in Canary Wharf. Things that I should have accomplished by now if I had stuck to the plan sometimes haunt me... and they come in little burst to remind me what I am missing out on. What I should be doing with my life. 

Having said that, I am still not sure if it is the right thing, but I cant be feeling so passionate about it for no reason right?

I know at some point, I consicously and willingly put the plans aside because I felt it was time I moved out of the selfish rut and to test my emotions and getting back into the game. Do I regret getting back in the game, not really. It is one of the nicest and infuriating thing that has ever happened to me. But at the same time, it does annoy me that I never know if I am doing the right thing to make it work and I worry if what I put aside will ever happen. I know I have been told to just speak up and not keep it to myself... but it is easier said than done. I am not used to displaying my insecurities... I guess it is just the circumstances of my upbringing. 

Maybe I am just tired of trying to read and justify the situation. I am to be honest tired of reading people and wished someone else did the reading. Which was why the conversation with AA was good... was nice to hear someone else verbalise my thoughts for me so I wouldnt feel so psycho about my worries and concerns. But I wish with all my heart that it wasnt him who saw through me and someone else instead... Come to think of it, I don't know if I have ever told him about my plans... I cant remember... not a good sign right? 

But you know what is really ironic about this posting? It took me 3 hours to frame my thoughts around this and several times I just sat there watching tv while my screen saver was running... the the one verse that has been popping in my saver way too many times is:

Isaiah 40:29 

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 

but those who hope in the LORD 

will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

*sigh* 

God speaking to me..? I hope so... cos I am a little tired. And if He is, suddenly all that I wrote earlier doesnt seem valid anymore isnt it?