Divine Appointment

There are so many things I am suppose to share in the last 1 week but haven’t found. I was suppose to share how reading CIA’s blog had brought tears to my eyes and got me thinking about about myself and being totally transparent.

I was suppose to write how bad work has been and vent my frustration about PD and how I am tired of being accountable for her own inefficiency and how for so long I felt the problem was me.

I wanted to share the screwing I received on Friday and Monday has been the worst and how useless it made me feel and after that, I felt like a failure and cried all the way home.

I wanted to document my thoughts and emotions after meeting J. Junkie and how I felt about him spiritually and emotionally and I am more and more challenged to do something and excited to see where this all leads to.

I wanted to share about the hole in my apartment floor and how something like that shed light on who my friends are and who I can depend on.

Lets not forget about today and how we got lost and instead what could have been a 3 hour drive it ended up being a 6 hour drive to Camerons.

But you know what? All that doesn’t matter… because today was truly divine appointment.

We stopped in Ipoh for dinner and I saw mom and dad for a while. And being lost allowed me to get to know Scott and Alvin (hahaha… probably the only 2 names that will ever appear in my blog) and how our on our way back, all I heard was stories about their faith and how God is using them and them using their talents and careers to serve God. And also about me and my passion and God’s plans for me. I see myself a lot clearer in terms of where I will end up but I have no clue as to how I am going to get there or when is the time for me to make that step.

I only know that for now, I need to move on and make my stand about where do I plan to plant my roots. I think my journey in RC has come to and end and it is time for me to move on. It will be sad to leave my comfort zone, and replant myself somewhere. And truth is, I hope this is the right thing. I only hope at the end of the day I will not lose the friends I have made. I think at the end the 2 people I will miss the most is Z & J. Don’t think I will miss CIA that much esp after all that has happened. I think that friendship has just expired and it is time to stop trying to mend and fix it and let God decide the fate of it. If it is meant to continue, then so be it. If not, then God knows best. But there is something great and wonderful about Z & J… something tells me there is great things in store for them – as individuals as well as a couple. I pray for God’s mercy and wisdom to govern their lives now. May they see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Am I going to change jobs, I don’t know. I will just pass my resume around and if things comes back, oklah… if nothing, then I take it there is more for me to learn. In the mean time, I am going to try for Lichfield. If I pass, I know I am going to be so challenged – there is so much for me to consider – money, my walk, my blessings, my life here and if I get through, that would mean the end of my secular life – I think. And that would mean my life is not my own anymore – I think.

This is such a huge thing and I am so nervous and excited to see how everything else will fall into place. There is so much I have seen in my life that is God’s doing. And I just wonder… the depths of his love and the immense greatness of his mercy and grace. At this point, I feel crappy. Because it is Passion Week and already I did things I should not have done. That showed a lot of lack of discipline. The flesh is so weak and the spirit is just not putting enough effort.

I have more questions then answers right now. And still I can feel the cloud of gloom hanging over my head… but you know what? So what? It is always going to be there to remind me the road to heaven is not a wide and smooth pathway, however it is a narrow, winding and just as “easy” for a camel to get through the eye of a needle. J So what I will have to face my boss and PD tomorrow at work? I have to continue to deal with individuals’ incompetence? And have to bear all the burden of being accountable of it? So what I am feeling lonely and though am finally ready to get into a relationship but there is no one around? So what stress has caused me to gain more weight? So what I have to step out of my comfort zone?

In the end, this is all a test and nothing is permanent. Most important thing is do I pass my entrance exam into the kingdom of heaven? And most important thing is there is light at the end of the tunnel to help me pass. Blessed is he who is poor in spirit, for his is the kingdom of heaven. There is no way I can ever understand why things are happening to me – and no matter how I try to rationalise things it just doesn’t make sense. My ways are not His ways, my thoughts are not His thoughts. So great is the Father’s wisdom that no man can comprehend. Makes sense right? After all, if men could comprehend God, then men would be god too right? Man that is scary!

My only reliance is the very sole fact that God will not allow me to be tested and tempted if He felt that I cannot handle it. Even this. Even all this confusion and all the screwing I am getting at work – there is a Bigger Picture here and I made not be able to see it, I will in time. J

So my blog today is about positivity and yes, Divine Appointment. Why? Because I want to document this prayer…

Dear God,

I thank you for reminding me that I live not for my own, but for Your pleasure and Your doing. And at the end, what matters most is the Big Picture. Lord I may not know what it is, but I rest on the thought that You have designed it and therefore it is nothing but the best for Your children.

Lord also thanks for reminding me that my time is not my own, but Yours to fulfil the Divine Appointments you have placed before me. Lord make me available to answer ALL the divine appointments You have placed in my way and equip me to respond to them. Lord prepare me also for the changes in my life that through Your grace, I will continue to stand secure on You.

AMEN!