Under my skin?

I am scared. I think he has gotten to me. How or even why, I don't even know! And this wasn't even suppose to happen.

I struggled so hard to make sure I didn't communicate with him today. I knew he was online, and it took a lot of will power to stop myself from leaving a message.

Eventually I caved it. I left a short note, but he never replied. Which is rather strange. No matter what time of the day it was, he would. Then he disappeared. I must admit, I am feeling a bit sad. Strange! Damn hormones...

OK... What is the issue here? Am I feeling compassionate or am I being caring? ( we answer the under my skin issue once I have settled this first)

Yes, I acknowledge that to a certain degree I am being compassionate - but that is because once upon a time I had a tough time too. OK... so maybe not as tough as him, but we all go through our versions of hell right? So his is various levels deeper then mine, but it doesn't mean mine wasn't any difficult. I hated the fact when he insinuated I was a spoilt brat. I struggled so long to be independent... and I literally survived on my own - emotionally and to a certain point, financially for a while as well. So now I choose to bask in a bit of TLC that I never did before, does that make me wrong? Allo!? He is equally spoilt with his woe is me, I want ppl to decide for me so I don't have to think persona as well right!? Useless prick and a half!

I hate his cockiness at how he is always right. And me... haiyo! GF... where is your spunk!? I find myself backing out in arguments because it isn't worth it. Not because the issues are stoopid or I don't have a stand, but because I agree to disagree. Like I said, our version of hell and life is different, why should I force you to accept what I believe in? It is obvious that circumstances have shaped who and what I am, and that is something I cannot explain. Even if the cows are already home.

And I give him a lot. A lot of me. My time, my compassion and my attention. *SIGH*

So do I care about him? Yes I do. Because I feel that he needs that. He has been stabbed one to many times. And he needs to know that he deserves to be loved / cared about just as much as the next arsehole on the street. It is so hard to care for him... his macho ego crap is sometimes borderline sheer stoopidity. But somewhere amidst all the ciggies, drugs, liq and grass, there is a heart and there is love. How do I get there?

Someone said this is tough love. It is going to take forever to get through to him. And even he himself said the more someone gets close to him, he will try and push that person away. And if that person chooses to stay, then he will know this friend is for real. OK... I kinda already made up my mind that I still stick by him. But... million dollar Q... how do I avoid from being too clingy? Or demanding? Or overbearing?

*sigh* if what men say is right, then I should play hardball and let him miss me, then he will value my existance more. But hang on, that theory applies to women seeking men for relationship. I don't want a relationship. I want him to rise to be a man. The man he was made to be. The way God intended him to be and wrote his life to be.

Truth is, as long as I see something to that effect taking place in his life, I can die happy.

My pet project. That is what he is. He is my way of redeeming myself to the world and the hell I unleashed upon earth and the subjected those around me to a few years back. He is may way of repaying those who chose to love me and comfort me when I refused to be loved and comforted.

God, give me patience and give me wisdom to deal with him. Give me the ability to know when to love and when to let go. Help me see how to lift him up and point me the direction of light. Divine appointment My Lord, I humbly accept it. So please tell me what to do. :)

Is he under my skin? Not in the emotionally - relationship sorta way. But he has grown on me. Esp his cocky grin. *sigh*

God, if my kids are ever going to be as difficult as I was as a child, I rather be single and have a dogpound instead!