OK... this is definitely a no brainer that I have many things swimming in the murky waters of my mind. Yes it is murky... defiled by the bad humor I constantly expose myself to.. hehehe...
Firstly, I made the strangest call today. To someone I thought I never will bother trying to bridge the gap. I tried one to many times to have this person disappointment me. Joe's constant bad humor has rubbed me the wrong way one to many times that has often made me wonder if this friendship is worth preserving. Anyway, Joe took my invite for coffee with ermm... much interest but hesitation as well. I am not surprised. I have distant myself so much (due to the grey areas in our friendship that I am uncomfortable with) from him. However, I can't deny we had our great moments. And all said and done, I miss those moments. I miss the times when things were either black or white. And I know when the colors are all mixed up, it is going to be hard to separate them again. Oh well... que sera sera. And I do not want to have to stand in His court and answer as to why I made a fellow brother an enemy. Too many hot coals on my head already... my scalp is suffering from multiple 3rd degree burns.
Secondly, professional life. Do I see myself forever in this race? I am tempted to try for Lichfeild. In a way, I can just hear her calling out my name. And my gut tells me if I do try, I will be experiencing the 4 seasons soon. But is that what I want to do? Life will no longer be the same if I chose to walk down that path. Is this something I really... really want!? Lets not forget the amount of debts I have racked in. I need to sort that out.... I can't be so irresponsible. But I am ready to throw in the towel. Is it because I am not satisfied? Yes... in a way you can say I am. My butt is getting itchy for something else. And with Lichfeild I know I will be kept on my toes with no room to think. And that is good. I noticed when humans are left with our thoughts esp in silence, the amount of crock we come up with is incredible! I think if given more time and silence, I can actually envision myself taking over the world. (Hail Brain and his trusted side kick Pinky! Long live the two of you in your attempts to take over the world everynight) So this needs a bit more thoughtlah... will do it later when I am doing my usual horizontal meditation.
Thirdly, men. La di da... ok.. this is going to be a short para. Bottomline, I do not get them. Wolf just tried his luck again to weasel his way back into my good graces.. much to my chagrin. I mean he was a nice joe... but really a bit too psychotic for my liking. But then again, I am psychotic too... so wouldn't that be a match in heaven? Yes, I know my maths... 2 negatives make 1 positive... but then again, 2 psychos does not necessary make 1 sane person. And then there is my fascination for "wiser" men... hehehe... maybe it is my psychological trauma of being with a younger guy manifesting itself in the form of my fascination for men in the opposite tangent in terms of the age department. But then again, even as a child, I have always found it more inspiring to be amongst older and wiser ppl - i find it more challenging. It is so boring sometimes to be with ppl who are like minded. You are not challenged to see beyond the walls of comfort and hence make no attempt to grow, progress and yearn for greater heights. A level of complacency.
Hmm.. interesting. How did I get from me not comprehending men to me wanting to be challenged mentally? Yes mentally and not otherwise ok!
OK... it is a Friday night and it is WAAAAAYYYY past working hours and I am talking about being mentally challenged! I must be racking up a fever!
Actifast to the rescue man! OK.. before i start frying an egg on my head, I better just let this go... and ponder on this again... while I am doing my horizontal meditation again.
Laters!
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