Simplicity... is the order of the day

You can pretty much say Desperado is my theme song, because it carries so much meaning to me... esp when I review my past relationships and my current percetion towards one. At this point, I am not afraid to confess that despite my bravado of being independant of a man and loving every minute of it, I am sometimes afraid of allowing one to get remotely close. I fear heartbreak and I fear getting hurt. More then I fear rejection. I fear allowing myself to fall for someone and to have it all end. I hated it the last time, and I still hate it now.

I saw my first heartbreak over the weekend... ok... more like I saw his back. But it brought back memories of how painful it was to pick myself up and move on in life. No doubt a lot of time has passed between that season and now, but the memories of the pain is still so real. Does that mean I have not gotten over it? I no longer miss him, and I am glad it is all over. It was never meant to be in the first place.

And I have grown up so much since. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I am no longer that young insecure person that thought becaue of my weight and size, it would be a miracle for someone to be even interested in me, let alone be in love with me.

Though sometimes I do feel a little sad that the male population is still very much visually oriented, I have met a few who aren't. And even then, there is no fireworks except for a beautiful friendship. Ah well, something better then nothing right?

But that is not fair isn't it? Why can't I have the something better?

It is funny how many ppl think considering I know so many men in my life, I am not in a relationship. I am not picky... so what is missing? Someone once told me that I am just focusing on the wrong type of men. (read : I subconsicously target men I can't have - I sabotage my own possibilities) Actually I don't think so. I have met men who in some way or another challenged me mentally - which is something I clearly like. And the initial attraction is always there... but talking to them is so refreshing and sometimes help puts things in perspective. And they end up being a gem of a friend! (

Then another friend said I should forget about my fear and get back into the swing of things - abandon all fear and just ride the wind. Kinda hard when you are perpetually fearful of being hurt right? See this is my thought... no one will ever love me as much as God, my daddy and me. So trust no one!

Another friend told me to tell my currect flava of the month that I like him. Forget the fact that I KNOW he is not interested... but why would I do such a thing? Sure, rejection is not as fearful as the rest of the other sinister pains... but WHY!? See, (another thought coming up! Fresh from the oven!) I feel that sometimes it is easier to just let the friendship dvelope rather then bring emotions to play. I would rather like him from afar and have him as a friend for the rest of my life then to eventually break up with him and run the risk of losing my bf AND my friend. No ROIs here... But seriously... the truth is, I am not even sure if I really do like him or just fascinated. 

THEN... another advice came... stop confusing my little mind and just chill! Be simple minded... don't analyse too much... observe the fact that the root ward of analyse is anal... hahaha... on that is not true... but you see where I am going right? (if you don't, then please remember your map the next time you visit my blog)

And truth is, this is not just a one off thing I have heard, many ppl... esp the more wise nd mature friends of mine have told me the same thing. Life to too short to anal-yse about things. Esp when it comes to things that are beyond control - like emotions, weather and fart.

I actually think this is a very good piece of advice. However, I do know that if I continue to be fearful of things, I will miss out on a lot of beautiful stuff as well...

So... moral of the story... never listen to songs that are not from your genre... wait... that is not right... After all Akon's Mr Lonely also speak volumes of "lonelyhood". Basically lay low of any sad songs that would encourage you to be sitting in your home with the lights dimmed on a cold rainy night, with a wisky in one hand and a ciggie in the other while you reminiense about all the jerks and asses in your life and kick yourself in the behind for not damaging their family jewels when you had the chance...

Be simple... only listen to songs that have minimal words and even a 5 year old child can understand like the elephant song, or the sesame street thingy...