Remember when I mentioned I can sometimes sabo myself…?I have always been anal about certain things in my life. In fact, if you read way back in the archives of this blog, you will see that a reoccurring theme has always been about control and on top of it, over my life.
My battle with Him about this has been on-going since like the day I drew my first breath. Although it is now very obvious that I not only have little say, but almost no say in most things in my life. It is hard, but I think I have grown accustomed to it.
But even so, there have been moments when I suddenly find myself fighting to take control. Usually when that happens, I start writing a post which is almost similar to the previous.
After I go completely loopy, I suddenly realised it is because I didn’t bring it to God. I didn’t let Him take control.
But then again letting Him take control isn’t just about going in a direction of my life that may not be what we intended, yet in the long run, we see His hand of mercy over every single step.
But it is also about not asking questions. Not demanding so many answers and just walk.
Wait, let me explain – esp to those of you who know I liken myself to Job.
Job was an amazing character in the OT. His faith in God is one that I marvel – despite how shitty his life was going, his faith in his Maker was unquivering. However every person has his/her limits. Job finally got a point where he could not take it and questioned God. He shouted and demanded and cried out to God to show him mercy and explain to Him why!?
What sparked after that was what I can imagine a shouting fest between God and Job but laced with lots of love, wisdom and mercy especially in God’s part. Job well… was just a broken, painful, humbled, sniffling / crying servant demanding justice. Then in the last chapter of the book, Job acknowledges:
Then Job replied to the Lord:
“I know that You can do all things;
No plan of Yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my
counsel without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.’
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
Hmm… Interesting how at the end of this battle, Job acknowledges that despite God welcoming us to ask Him and question Him, we cannot at any time forget that His wisdom surpasses all human understanding and if we seek Him sincerely, He will reveal Himself and His plans to us.
Mrs PJ said something interesting when I shared with her and Mr PJ about my predicament and certain fears that were plaguing my mind à Our faith sometimes leads us to the edge of the cliff and requires us to jump, and it is only at that point where only 2 things can happen – either something (or Someone) cushions our fall OR we just learn to fly. (ok... so I paraphrased a bit lah)
*sigh*
I know she is right. Heck, I am a living proof in more ways than one… As much as I would like to say I can’t help but question, sometimes over questioning will lead to doubts. Which leads to us doubting God, finally us seeking to take control.
So going back to what I was saying – not to demand for answers and just walk – at the end of the day, He already knows my questions and my fears. So, there is no need to keep shouting. Cos maybe in the midst of all my shouting I cannot hear Him! So, now maybe it is time for me to just walk quietly and pray His arms of grace is always near and when the right time dawns, He will answer.
Therefore, in the case of my current predicament, despite how positively I ended the previous posting, I still struggled to let go. But it shouldn’t be an excuse to stop asking and walking. The walking has to continue. As Mr PJ said, one cannot find the right person just by standing there or the answer if he is the one for that matter! Likewise, answers will not come, if I don’t make a move to seek it.
Anyway… the moral of this is : there has to come a time for us to stop asking and just walk by faith (farnee how I always tell ppl this, yet it is hard for me to remember and practice).
Also, to stop analyzing things.
No matter what I say and do and how I analyze, I will never have the full picture like Him. So it is pointless. The psychological and analytical side of me has to let go. Because when I start to analyze, I work myself up to frenzy and then suddenly when I absolutely cannot justify anything anymore, He comes in like a knight in shining amour and whisk me off my. :-p yeah right! More like I get loopy, angry and frustrated.
So it is unchartered territories. And it is forcing me to do and deal with certain things I don’t like. And it means I cannot run but have to deal with it head on. As mentioned before, His hands of mercy ain’t far, and the final destination though important is not nearly as important as the journey there.
Both Mr and Mrs PJ were very sure that if this is not meant to be, God will show me. And I cannot deny that because in all my past relationships, God has shown me. Which is why I can safely speak of my past relationships as being doomed from the start because I ‘was already shown'. God already showed me but yet I chose to pursue them, so the heartache I endured was in a way my doing lah...
In a nutshell, sometimes letting go also means rather than questioning every step and justifying every action along the way, tis better to just continue on to enjoy the journey and the things that comes with it… like the simple pleasures this person brings into your life and being exited about his presence in it ……
Though rough and unknown grows the way
And may seem hard day by day
With patience in His love I’ll rest
And whisper in each step, that He knoweth best.
^__^
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