To be honest, my part 3 to the previous blog was suppose to be about love. Truth is I can’t really remember what about love I wanted to talk about. But I do remember wanting to share this – I met a guy at camp. Someone I thought was funny and really nice. Only problem was ppl were trying to match him with my sister and I got close to him. And to make things even worse, I told him about it and he started to make an effort to be nice to her. I felt really shitty. And for a while, we communicated and he communicated with my sister.
Ppl told me that despite the fact I like him, I should give him up for her. (say what!?) Why should I have to give something up for her? All because she is my older sister? But you know me, I am a sucker. I did give him up – not because of her but I realised I was leaving soon, and no point starting something. AND he was a nice guy and I wanted to see her with someone who would take care of her. In the end, I thank God I pushed him away. That whole situation was getting to weird for me. I mean, he is NA’s brother – and though I really sayang her, there are moments I think some things she say may not be all true. And it would get weird lah.
Lets not forget the fact I didn’t like the way he was close to us and I somehow felt he was like thinking which sister he should pick – gave me a very sleazy thought. So…. I slowly tried to ditch the boy – my bitchy side came out. Not that I regret it. He was getting a bit too whiny for me. And besides, she and him were getting along so well so might as well lah.
He came this weekend to see her, and she finds him boring. At first, I thought she was being her primadonna self, but then again, I can’t force her. She I don’t think it is going to work out for her as well. Hahaha… oh well.. the time will come.
But something about love I want to share:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness… the only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers … of love is hell. To love is to take risks, to expose our hearts. Sometimes it hurts! It hurt Jesus Christ, but He kept on loving – event at the cost of His life. And He asked us to ‘love one another as I have loved you’” (John 15:12).
That was quite a slap. And to top it all off, S and R are going through their own patch in their relationship. Watching them overcoming their issues and struggles, and this passage, somehow made me realise that me hiding from romance may be the reason why I am always so stressed – sign of negativity – not “good”. No one said relationships were easy. But the main thing is to root it on God. Me saying that God will not send me a guy till I am strong and focused on Him may not be true. Maybe in the past it was, when I was still struggling to deal with my self esteem and my depression. But I think now I am pretty sure where my focus is and my source of strength. As long as I remember that I think I should be OK. After all, I managed to avoid the men that have made me feel shitty for a while so maybe it is time to get back into the game.
So now, I am just going to keep and open mind and try to be more balance. Lets see what happens…
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